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It's Like I Fell Asleep On The Train

Updated: Apr 15

It's how I feel sometimes.

A lot of the time, actually. If you've ever fallen asleep on a subway, or a commuter train, or a bus, you know that feeling. You go from a contented lull after a few minutes of feeling the rhythm of the train, to a panic attack in a heartbeat. Where am I? What happened? I was supposed to get off 10-stops/2-hours/I'm-not-even-sure ago.

How do I get back?

That's what this year is for. Getting back on track. The track I left 24 years ago (no offense to my children). Though admittedly, my track wasn't fully clear then, I had goals. I visualized. And all that I saw, all that I wanted, at some point I left in a box at a station, sitting under a bench waiting to either be found again, or kicked into the tracks - or maybe picked up by someone else. I somewhat joke about that last version, but I've seen folks in this life - same age as i, who got everything that was in that box. Everything that I had wanted. So much of it I still do.

I won't and can't blame anyone. I made all my choices. No one threatened my existence over a choice. I'm not looking for a pity party, nor do regret becoming a mother (I mention that because that's so often what people leap to in assumption). Do I regret some of the choices I made? Absolutely. That's me just being honest. I've said this before - but anyone who tells you they don't regret ANYTHING is a liar - perhaps most to themselves.

I fell asleep a few years back - in hindsight in a clear flight response - just close my eyes for a while and let the world pass and you'll wake up and things will magically get better. The fight wasn't in me. I can practically pinpoint the moment - again, my choice - perhaps ill-gotten, and short-sighted, but still mine. And it really was a lot longer ago than most of you realize if you've been keeping even a casual tab on things in all that is Magzland.

Though I may regret some of the choices I have made, I do not regret the lessons I have learned from them. Maybe they were ones I needed. I do not regret the friends I have made, nor the moments I have been lucky enough to celebrate over the past two decades.

I make only one resolution this year - and it's not for the now, it's for my ever - it's to take that box back, (I know where it is), open it up and put myself where I need to be. I may need to make some adjustments - unfortunately time is not limitless, nor alterable, even in Magzland, but I still want those things. I want to be that person. I may ask for some help - that's one of the things I've learned is okay to do.

No more falling asleep in my seat. I am at the wheel.

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